Mom
I love my Mom! I just had to say that right at the beginning. We had the pleasure of having her stay at our house the last two weeks while my sister and brother-in-law were taking a break in Florida. We had a great time. Lisa and Kelli really enjoyed her company.
It was her 85th birthday on Saturday. That was the day that she was being picked up again so it was a perfect opportunity for us all to get together to celebrate this milestone. However, I think her real party was on Sunday in DeWitt. I was not able to attend that one but I’ve heard about it and would like to tell a little about what I know.
My sister and niece had the idea of having a "card shower" for Mom. They sent out invitations to many of her friends, family, church family, former coworkers etc, asking them to send Mom a birthday card. The response was amazing. Mom received over 40 cards, each with nice comments and well wishes. I could tell from talking to her that it really touched her heart. Another fun aspect of the way my sister presented the cards is the "yellow brick road”. Mom is the queen of the yellow brick road. She would wrap many gifts separately and then put them all into one larger box. She would connect them with yarn (usually yellow) so that there would be a path from one gift to the next. So that is the way her cards were presented to her. Perfect!!
Following is the poem my sister wrote to accompany her card journey:

TO THE QUEEN OF THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD
BRCAUSE WE ALL LOVE YOU
We just couldn’t resist
To give you a package
That’ll make your eyes mist…

With tears of happy memories
From those you hold dear;
Old friends from afar
And ones right here.

You’ve given so much
Your whole life through,
Here’s a chance for loved ones
To give love to you.

From friends at Good Sam
Where you gave it your all;
Caring for the needy
Spring, summer, winter and fall…

To friends from your church
That you’ve known for so long.
You served side by side
And shared many a song…

And to nieces and nephews
Who call you “Aunt Grete”,
They love you so dearly
From your head to your feet…

They’ve all come together
With wishes so dear;
That you’re not forgotten
They’ve made perfectly clear.

You’ve touched so many lives
With your kind and gentle heart;
They really have missed you
Since you’ve been apart.

So sit back and read these
Again and again…
Whenever you get lonely
And puzzles run thin.

Happy Birthday MOM - We love you
Thanks to you who have made this day extra special for Mom.

HOPE

“Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without words, and never stops at all and sweetest in the gale is heard.” - Emily Dickinson

One of the activities that Lisa and I have enjoyed this winter is attending basketball games together. Two of Lisa’s three children are still playing organized basketball (one in high school and one in college) and it has been a pleasure getting to know them in this way. These games have also been a great way to meet each others friends in an easy going, social sort of manner. Every once in a while someone we meet at these games stands out in a special way. Last night that happened.
Over the last several months Lisa and I attended a young widowed support group as we were working through our grief journey. There were usually somewhere around 25 of us that attended these meetings on a monthly basis. From time to time we would run into friends from the group outside of the meetings. Last night that happened.
Apparently the word is out about Lisa and me, about our dating and marriage. Recently, at a basketball game we were attending, a friend from our group spotted us. He made a point to come and talk to us. He said he had heard about our engagement and that Bob and Susan had announced it at the most recent meeting. (We did give them permission to do that.) Of coarse everyone was really happy for us. Lisa asked him how he was doing and he got a little emotional and said he was lonely. It has been about a year and a half for him and he is lonely. It is a feeling that some of you know all too well, and others hope to never know. He said he would like to meet someone but really doesn’t know how to proceed at this point. Once again that reinforces to me what a gift it is that Lisa and I met each other as easily as we did. We wished him well and said that it will happen, just keep trusting. God will lead someone to him. He then said a very special thing. He said that seeing us and hearing our story gives him HOPE. He said seeing us together shows him that there can be happiness again, that there can be love again, that life can be good again! Hope! It is nice to know that we can model hope for some of the people who know us.
When I thought about hope, the following verse came to mind:
"... but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. "Romans 5: 3-5
I’m still not to sure about the part about rejoicing in our sufferings. I think that is nearly humanly impossible, but I do believe in the truth of these verses. As widows we suffer, we persevere, our character is defined and, with God’s help, we come to have hope in the future. The Holy Spirit comes to us and lifts our hearts, our spirits, with hope. That is the way of God’s healing. We find ourselves with a brighter outlook because of the hope God gives us.
So, my friend, I’m glad that the gift of love God has given Lisa and me is also a gift of hope to you!

God Is Good

Greetings from Mexico! Lisa and I are here on our Honeymoon! I believe right now it is approximately 75 degrees warmer here than home in Grand Rapids. I think we picked a good week to be here.

Our wedding went very well. Thank you to all of you who were able to attend and even more of you who have been praying for us and wishing us happiness.

Joy has come - there is dancing!

TWO WEEKS

Song of Solomon - Chapter 2:10-13 My lover spoke and said to me, "Arise my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come. The cooing of doves is heard in our land. The fig tree forms its early fruit; the blossoming vines spread their fragrance. Arise, come, my darling; my beautiful one, come with me."

Today is a milestone of sorts. Two weeks from today Lisa and I will be married, remarried. I have to say that I never, ever, would have thought that some day I would be “remarrying” any one. Carol and I were going to grow old together. I suppose it is nearly inevitable that one spouse will die before the other, but not at 50 yrs old. My thinking was that sometime well into old age one of us would be widowed and the other would live out the days that way. Things didn’t work out that way.
Two weeks from today we’re getting married. To me, this is such an incredible testament to God’s grace. God has healed our hearts and given us the capacity to love, romantically, once again. That’s incredible!
I came across the above scripture from the Song of Solomon book of the Bible. I love it! I love Lisa.
Thank you, Lord, for the way you continue to do miracles.
Two weeks....

STILL WE CELEBRATE

It was a wonderful Christmas day. It has been a wonderful Christmas season. With the additional families we are a part of this Christmas, there have been more celebrations to attend. That’s good. These gatherings have proven to be a good way for Lisa’s children and my children to get to know each other on a deeper level. I am thankful that God continues the work of bringing our families together. Any of the potential “rough areas” of our relationship, He seems to be making smooth.

One of the parties we attended on Christmas day was at my Mom’s house. It was basically my Mom, my sisters and their families and Lisa and her children, and the five of us. We had a great time and, of course, more fantastic food than we could consume in a week. We greeted each other. We exchanged some gifts. We played some games and had a great time. At one point during the day I was struck by the realization that nearly everyone there, if not everyone, had suffered through a loss, to death, of a very dear loved one. My Mom has lost all of her siblings and her husband, my Dad. My older sister’s husband has lost a wife to cancer. My younger sister has lost a daughter (18) to a heart defect. Lisa and her children have lost a husband and father, and the kids and I have lost a very dear mom and wife. Despite all of that, despite all the pain, the sadness, the fear, the questions, the loneliness we’ve experienced, we celebrated. We were able to celebrate what God has done through His Son, Jesus, entering this world.

I guess, through healing, I’ve come to believe life is for living, life is for the living. A year ago, I know I dwelt, almost continually, on what I had lost and knew I could no longer have. This year God has shown me that my life is still overflowing with blessings, I just needed to notice them and name them.

As we were “partying” on Christmas day, I could not help but think that our deceased loved ones, Julie, Phil, Dad, and Carol, were in Heaven above smiling as we celebrate with laughter and fun. This time of year must be a thrilling time in Heaven when our loved ones, who are truly now living, see us celebrating Christ’s earthly birth and know better than any of us what that birth truly means for humankind.

Once again I have failed to send out a single Christmas card (yet). But if I had, the following would be my info letter.....

Christmas 2007

Dear Friends and Family

It is my prayer that this letter finds you well and enjoying this advent season. This time of year is always exciting as we again focus on God coming down to humankind in the form of His Son.

With nearly all of 2007 now in the rear view mirror, I can look back and say that God is good. For me, 2007 was a ton better that 2006 turned out to be. As I look back I can see the hand of God working at putting my life and the lives of my children back on a positive path. Thank you for the ways that you have supported the kids and me in the last several months.

Following is a little recap of our year:
In April/May I had the opportunity to serve God in Liberia, West Africa. I traveled there with a group of men to work on a new building for the Kingdom Foundation Institute. It was an amazing experience that really softened my heart to the struggles of the good people of Liberia. Shortly after returning from that trip God blessed me with the gift of a relationship with Lisa Van Harn. We had met sometime earlier at a widowed person support group and over the summer our relationship grew into something very special. In late November I asked her if she would become my wife and amazingly enough she said yes! We are both very thankful for the opportunity to love, and be loved, again in our lives. Our wedding is planned for February of 2008.

After moving back home and living with Dad for a time, Amy bought a house this past summer. She received possession of it in late August. After that she and I and a host of kind volunteers completely renovated it. She was able to move into it in November. Amy is still working fulltime for Hillside Community Church as the Children’s Ministry Director. Her gifts of music and creativity continue to amaze me.

Love is truly in the air. My middle daughter, Sara, is also engaged. She and her fiancé, Josh Campbell, are planning a June wedding. Sara is in her final year of nursing school and is looking forward to being finished with that phase of her life. She continues to have a gentle nature and a heart for missions. Sara works for Spectrum hospitals and continues to work at the A/V dept. at Calvin College.

Matt is a film nut, (or pretty much just a nut). He is attending Compass Film Academy. Compass is a film trade school where students learn all aspects of making films, story telling, direction, and etc., all from a Christian perspective. He is enjoying it very much and is working very hard at it. In his “spare time” he is working at three part time jobs to try to keep up with his expenses.

We all wish you, our friends, a very special holiday season. Remember to let your loved ones know how special they are to you.

Best wishes for a GREAT 2008!

Fred Vail

True Joy

“...I will turn their mourning into joy. I will comfort them. I will give them joy in place of their sorrow.” Jer 31:13

As the heading on this blog page indicates, my writings here have largely been about my “grief journey”. A little over a year and a half ago a process more painful than I could have ever imagined began. Many of you who have been, or are right now, at some point along this journey know what I mean. This process is often called a “journey” because there is a destination or “other side” that can be reached.

Approximately 6 months ago the Lord blessed me with the friendship of a fellow traveler. I met Lisa at a young widowed support group meeting long before either of us was ready for any kind of relationship with the opposite gender. Over the course of many months and many meetings we became friends. We learned a little more about each other’s story, about our beloved spouses. We learned that we shared many common values, interests, etc. At one of our meetings shortly after returning from my trip to Liberia the Lord spoke to me that it would be ok for me to ask Lisa if she would like to have dinner with me sometime. She said she would like that :) She was obviously too sweet to turn me down. The evening we were together gave us a chance to talk and share more of our life stories with each other. We immediately knew that we could be good friends but were not sure if we would be led beyond that.

Lisa and I continued to attend the support group meetings. We also continued to see each other outside of our group setting. We talked for hours about Phil, her late husband, and Carol, my late wife. We had so many stories to share. We talked about how happy and fulfilling our marriages were. We talked about our children and about how they are coping with the loss of one of their dear parents. Over time we began to see each other as more than merely friends. We talked about the “what ifs”. What if our relationship turned more into a “dating” kind of thing? What if we are not ready? What if it’s too early? What is too early? We fell in love!

Along the way we have talked to many couples who have traveled this journey before us. We so appreciate every minute they were willing to spend with us. Bob and Susan, our group facilitators, were very encouraging toward us regarding our relationship. We read books. We both knew that we certainly did not want to make a great mistake by becoming so attached to each other. At all times we held our children as our highest priority.

God is soooo good! Lisa and I are now engaged!! Our “Chapter Two” is now being written. God has delivered the both of us from the deepest pits of sorrow possible to a point where we are happy and joyful beyond what we would have thought ever possible. The above Bible verse from Jeremiah was e-mailed to Lisa by a friend of hers upon hearing of our engagement. This is exactly what God has done. Our mourning has been replaced with joy. As I was reminded again this past Thanksgiving Day by our pastor, true thanks, and true joy are only possible because of what Jesus has done for us. He is the very foundation of joy.

Lisa and I will always remember Phil and Carol. They are hugely responsible for who we are at this point in our lives. We learned, along with them, what a pleasure a good marriage is. I can truly say I have been extremely blessed to be so loved by two extra-ordinary women in one lifetime!

I can’t end this post without thanking all of you for your prayers for me and the kids. Thank you for all the wonderful ways you supported us along the way. Everything you did for us was very instrumental in our survival (that word again). Please keep both of our families in your prayers as we now blend our lives.

Joyful, Joyful, We Adore Thee...

A LOT TO BE THANKFUL FOR

The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised." Job 1:21b

Thanksgiving is just a couple of days away. This will be the second Thanksgiving holiday without Carol. I remember last year when there was still a lot of pain and hurt. I remember the praise band rehearsal at church the Wed night before. The kids and I were all there and I couldn’t help but think, with deep sadness, about Carol not being there. She had played the piano for our Thanksgiving service for several years. Again it just seemed so wrong to me that she was not there. This was just the first of the “big three” holidays that our family would have to “survive” (that word again).
This year, again, the four of us will be at the rehearsal Wednesday night. I will be thinking about Carol and I still think it is wrong that she will not be there, but by God’s grace, I have accepted her absence. God has given a large measure of healing to me and the kids also, I pray. God has continued to rebuild our lives. I have much to be THANKFUL for.
I remember one of the stories a friend told me the day of Carol’s death. His brother had been killed in a car accident. He remembered their Pastors visit and his Father saying “the Lord gives and the Lord takes away”. My friend said he will always remember what the Pastor said, “but do remember the second part of that verse? ‘Blessed be the name of the Lord’. Can you say that part as well?” I have to say it took me a while before I could add that second line. Our church sings a beautiful praise song with those very words in it. It was a long time before I could sing it without tears.
This life continues to be full of good gifts and abundant blessings! They are all around if we will slow down and notice. Take some time this year to note them with appreciation. Particularly your loved ones who will not always be with you.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING

CONGRATS MARSHA AND KENT!!

TRANSITIONS

I love weekends. I don’t want to say that I’m the type of person that lives for the next weekend, but I might be close. This past weekend was one that I both looked forward to with anticipation and in many ways was dreading. This past weekend was eventful. It was a weekend of more transition for our family.

In August, my oldest daughter Amy, took the big step and bought a house. The house was a trashed out repo and was a stinking mess (literally). She was able to “buy it right”. In the last three months she and I, along with many other kind volunteers, have worked very hard to restore this house to something that is inhabitable. She moved in this past Saturday! Amy and I sat down once and calculated that there have been approx. 450 to 500 man/woman hours put into this project so far! It turned out great! It was a pleasure working along side her on this project. She is thrilled and excited to be a new home owner. The sad part is that now she has moved out of “dad’s” house.

After moving Amy on Saturday, later in the evening I was chilling at home watching a movie with Lisa and Matt when my middle daughter, Sara, came home with an engagement ring on her left hand!! Wow – transitions!! I am very happy for her and Josh and obviously wish them all the happiness possible. I knew this engagement was looking more and more likely so it was not a total suprise but it is still very exciting and am thrilled for Sara.

I am extremely proud of both girls. They have continued to live and thrive. They have continued to make wise choices. I know they miss their Mother. I know Carol would be absolutely thrilled for both of them right now...

As we live our lives, seeking God’s will for them, things continue to change. God has blessed me/us with many new experiences and relationships. I am glad to see the kids “move forward” in their lives because, in a sense, that makes it more possible for me to do the same.

God continues to bless!

A MATTER OF FAITH

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1

Lately I have been pondering my faith. I have been wondering how big of a role my “faith” has played in my life in the last 18, or so, months. Faith is an interesting concept. I think it has different connotations to different people. The word “faith” has many of its own clichés, “keep the faith”, “you got to have faith”, “oh ye of little faith”, “I have faith in you”. You can probably think of more. There seems to be an underlying theme to all of the connotations and that is that there is a belief, but we really don’t know for sure, there’s no proof. I guess if proof was involved, then faith would be unnecessary. This belief is the basis from which our faith, “being certain of things we do not see”, grows.

For me, my beliefs, the soil from which my faith grows, run very deep. I was born into a “religious” (another of those different connotation sort of words) family. My entire life I have been absorbing scripture, Sunday school stories, excellent sermons, etc. So many things make up who I am but these things are certainly part of the equation. I have heard about the “wise man building his house upon the rock“, for decades. I have sung the song about “will your anchor hold” for decades as well. The message has been consistent, when the storms of life come, as we know they will, will we be washed into the sea as the proverbial foolish man who built his house on the sand? I really believe my “solid foundation” is a result of my upbringing and a conscious decision to work at building a solid relationship with my Creator and Savior. Without that, without knowing that God is a God of mercy, grace and love, I’m not sure how I could have survived (there’s that word again) these last 18 months.

So is it real? Am I just trying to convince myself that somehow I’m better off today because I pray or I attend church? I’ve heard it said that religion, faith, Christianity is for the weak. There are those who say it’s a crutch. I know there is nothing I can write here that would convince those folks to think differently. I just know me. I know that I have needed crutches at various times in my life. They were real, they held me up. I believe in a good God. Where’s the evidence? There’s so much death, violence, disease. Why does God allow these things? I haven’t gotten that one completely figured out. I know it’s a fallen and broken world. I do believe God is at work redeeming the bad. In my life I can see God at work making something new and beautiful. I know it’s His handiwork. I’ve never met Shakespeare in person but I believe he existed because of the incredible works he created that bear his name. He is dead and gone and no longer produces such works. God, however, is not dead and the evidence of His existence continues to amaze me every day. We really just need to take notice.

Granted, this is easier to “state” now than it would have been 12 months ago. At that time I was hurting, and questioning everything. I thank God that during that stormy time, He held me close, my anchor held, and my house (life) did not wash into the sea.

MOVING ON / LETTING GO

I remember reading something somewhere early on after the 7th of May 2006 about the difference between “moving on” and “letting go”. It struck me at that time as a concept that is likely true but seemingly impossible. The article explained that a widow/widower inevitably must move on. He must go back to his home and life. He must keep eating, sleeping, going to work. His life is shattered but he must carry on as best as possible. Healing begins one day at a time. “Letting go” is much different. It involves more of a release, or disengaging. It is said to be a “conscious choice; a mental act that requires free will and effort” Unlike “moving on” they say “letting go” is not something that has to happen, but they do say that “letting go” is “is vital to the healing of the bereaved beyond the mere functionality of moving on”.

When I look back, I remember thinking that this letting go process would be one of the most difficult tasks of my grief. How could I let go of a wonderful 30 year relationship. A relationship with the one person who knew me and loved me more than anyone else ever did or ever could. The concept seemed very undoable. I remember talking to another widower where I work about this. He said that he had reached that point, that he had let go of the pain of his past and was looking forward to his future life. I could only say that I wasn’t there. Inside I knew that for me to ever be happy again I would need to be able to do that. I could see the lives of many of the widowers I knew and could see that they must have been able to let go (or act like they had). So I knew it must be possible.

There are many “mental” choices to be made along this grief journey. Whether to go to someone’s home for a meal, whether to stay involved at church, whether to attend a support group, etc. To decide, to make the mental choice, to accept that my spouse is dead, will not be coming back, will not be “angry/hurt/mortified/disappointed” by my future, requires time and much healing. Experts say that many widowers never let go. They move on but never “let go”.

Here’s the deal, as hard as it is to do, “letting go” of the past is a critical step when starting a new relationship. I know “letting go” does not mean forgetting or denying the love that was shared but it means understanding that the past, that relationship, doesn’t exist any more. That’s where I am now. For some time, starting a few months ago, I have worked and worked at letting Carol go. I believe she would have wanted me to do that. Those who have “been there” know how difficult that is and for those who haven’t, they don’t have a clue! ....I have fallen in love again. God has brought another amazing woman into my life. She will not “replace” Carol. We are building a brand new relationship that is based on who each of us is and that includes our relationship with our first spouse. Some experts say that it IS possible for grief and love to co-exist. I believe the example of love multiplying, not being divided, as in when a second child is born to a loving Mom and Dad is true. They do not love their first child any less. God miraculously supplies more love for us to give. Some would say, also, that it is impossible to love a deceased spouse. What we love is the memories we have of them.

I am optimistic and excited about the kids and my future. There remains a huge whole in our life from when Carol died. We are working at engaging in life. I am eager to apply the lessons I’ve learned, many of them taught to me by Carol, to a new relationship. I can’t thank God enough for the years I was blessed to be Carol’s husband and now I am thankful, certainly not for losing Carol, but for finding life and love again.
God is good!

LIFE
There is that television ad that goes something like “life comes at you fast”. I don’t even know what or who it is an ad for but the saying has a lot of truth to it. It has been some time since my last post. That isn’t because nothing has been happening, but rather because so much has been going on in my life that I just haven’t been able to write. As busy as it’s been it has been all good.
My oldest daughter, Amy, bought her first house and got possession about 4 weeks ago. It was/is a real fixer-upper with tons of work needed. She and I and many other kind helpers have spent countless hours there already trying to make it into a nice little home for Amy. We have come a long way but have a long way and many hours of work to go yet before she can move in.
Also I have been blessed to be able to spend time with a beautiful, young lady that God have brought into my life. Many of you have met her. It is so thrilling to be building our relationship and looking to the future with excitement.
Life does come at us fast, in waves. The trick somehow is to stay up on the surf board and ride the waves, that’s when life’s fun. When we fall off and start getting overwhelmed by the waves, that’s when life is tough.
Truth remains: God is good and His mercies endure forever.

“LIFE INTERUPTED”

I enjoy reading. I have read many books written to help with the grieving process and I have continued to read good old fiction novels as well. I recently finished reading a non-fiction book about the journey of three young men traveling north across the continent of Africa on motorcycles. The title is The Only Road North by Erik Mirandette. It tells a very incredible story. I highly recommend reading it if you get the chance. Briefly, this is the story: Erik, his just out of high school brother, Alex, and one of Erik’s friends, all of them very young, started in Capetown, South Africa and drove motocross bikes north some 5000 miles over the coarse of 4 months. They endured all kinds of adventures and made it to Cairo, Egypt. While sightseeing in a market in Cairo a suicide bomber blew himself up right near the boys. The explosion killed Erik’s brother, Alex.

That is why I think this book is noteworthy. As many of us know who have lost someone very dear to us, we long so much to have that person back. We spend days, months, years, always remembering. We never want to forget. We question why, what did I do to cause this. We think what could I have done differently that could have saved our loved one. As one who has recently been through the loss of a dear loved one, I can feel the pain in each word that Erik has written in this book. Erik offers no “pat” answers, only painful questions when talking about his brother’s death.

Following are a couple of excerpts from the book:
When talking about how he, himself should have died from his injuries, but survived them he says “But we are so much more than the air we breathe. A person needs more than just a heartbeat. He needs a purpose, he needs faith, he needs to know that he is not alone. I cannot figure out why God would protect the shell in which I reside but leave me completely alone when I need him the most. For the months of recovery following the explosion I try to pray to God but my prayers are nothing more than an empty voice echoing inside my head. Eventually I stop.”
This one is part of a conversation he had with a friend of his after he was back home and trying to get on with life “My fear is not that God doesn’t exist. I know God exists. My fear is that there is more to His nature than justice, peace, love and joy. Is it unreasonable to describe God as cruel, unjust, partial, fickle, egocentric . . .?” “If not, then what is there to differentiate heaven and hell? Nothing is certain, and no amount of thought will resolve my dilemmas. Thinking just leads me deeper down the tunnel, unleashing more doubts, calling more of what I know into question.”

I guess I am writing about this because these are the same feelings that most all of us have felt at some time in our life. If you have felt this way or perhaps going through something similar right now, know that you are not alone. These feelings are natural. When people we love suffer, and lose the battle to stay in this world, the pain is incredible. Time helps but it doesn’t heal. As with any deep wound, healing comes from within but the scars remain. I had a very dear Uncle who was near death at the time of Carol’s funeral. He made the 200 mile trip because I was like one of his own sons. His funeral was two months later. At Carol’s funeral he told me to look at his hand. It had a large scar on it. He said that was from an ice fishing spear accident form some 65 years earlier. The wound healed but he had the scar the rest of his life. But God is a God of Grace, just keep trusting!

So true.

PLANS

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD... Jeremiah 29:11-14

The above Bible passage was one of Carol’s favorites. Among her things, I found a written testimony of her faith that included this passage. We included it on cover of her funeral service folder. In the past several months I have pondered as to how these “plans” worked out for Carol and her life. I’m not sure I know the answer. Can I consider her “unharmed”. I do know that she had always sought the Lord and her future is, indeed, secure where she will never be harmed again.

But what about us who remain on this earth, in this life? How does our faith stand up to the trials we face when a loved one dies young? I know, first hand, our faith shakes like a house of sticks amidst a powerful earthquake. There are some other “facts” I know as well. I am no theologian; on the contrary, I spend way too much time on the trivial and not enough time in God’s word. But I know and believe that God exists. He created, sustains and is redeeming this world. I see both the (very) good and the (very) evil that exists in the hearts and minds of man and have to believe that it is the battle for those very hearts by greater powers. So, in a way, in my mind, the existence of evil points to the existence of a good God! Here’s the good part, while the existence of evil wins a few battles and causes much pain and doubt, God’s victory is assured. Even so, our cries of “why”, or “how long” are legitimate.

I think the key word is “redemption”. Through out history God has been about the work of redeeming this universe. There is overwhelming evidence of God’s redemptive work in this world. God has been turning “wrong” into “good” ever since humans allowed evil to have a foot hold in this world.

I believe this redemption plan, the effects of it, the good that we see in this world, is just a foretaste of Heaven. The best of this life is a glimpse of the always of Heaven. That God allows us, and created us, to love, to be loved, and to love again after a disaster, is a bit of Heaven on earth.

To those who struggle, believe me, you are not alone. Remember God’s “plans to prosper and not harm” are rock solid and they are eternal. Pray for strength, pray for wisdom, and pray for redemption.

Another Widow
This past weekend was a very pleasant and special time. To me weekends by definition are always good. This one was better than most. I was able to spend more time than usual with family and a new very special person in my life. My company golf outing was Saturday then we went, practically, right from there to a wedding of a nephew of Lisa's. I got to meet a lot a very nice people who were gracious to me the entire time.
On Sunday, the morning worship service was again special. My three children each participated in the service, communion was served. My Mom was with me and Lisa and her family were there as well. Then we visited my sister and brother-in-law in Grand Haven for the afternoon and evening.
This is probably more info than you cared to know.
Why share all of this?
Once again reality hit hard when we returned Sunday evening. There was a message waiting for us on our answering machine. The father of a very close friend of my daughter Amy, was killed in a helicopter crash on norther Indiana. He was piloting the craft himself and was the only person on board. When we heard the news our hearts just dropped. More sadness, more grief, hasn't the world seen enough suffering? Now another family losses a father, another wife losses a husband.
There is another widow!
Before I joined these ranks (that none of us ever wanted to be a part of) I never knew there could be as many of us as now I know there is. As I have come to learn, healing is possible. The journey is long and difficult but one can get to the "other side". Memories become pleasant, but there is no forgetting.
Please pray for the Terpstra family. Many of us know the pain that is now present for them and the difficult path of what is still to come!

THIS WEEKEND

The weekend including or near the dates of August 5 & 6 has long been my favorite weekend of the year. August 5 is the anniversary of the happiest day of my life, my wedding day. Then, our anniversary was always followed up a day later with my birthday. With the combination of days like that it always made it easy for me to remember our anniversary. I have many treasured memories about the ways we celebrated that day. When the kids were younger we would often take our summer vacation week to include these days. Carol and I would sometimes have an overnight get away but we would always go to a nice place for dinner. Good times! I was so blessed!

This weekend will be different, as all of life is different. I know I can survive it. (There’s that word again – “survived by”) I survived it a year ago. This is my second anniversary/birthday without Carol. Last year I stayed busy, the kids and I had a family reunion to attend, and I was pretty much numb to the pain. This year would have been our thirtieth anniversary. We had pointed to this one as the year we would take a trip or do something extra special. We shouldn’t have waited!

I am moving on. Letting go has been difficult but it is happening. After this sojourn in the “valley”, life is exciting again. It’s exciting to see growth in the lives of our kids. It’s exciting to build relationships with the new people God has placed in my life. It exciting to think of a future that holds the promise of happiness and not just sadness.

The memories of this weekend, of these celebrative days, at times, seem so distant. At times they seem like another life, a lifetime ago. At other times it seems like yesterday. It seems like just yesterday we did things like leaving the kids with Mom and Dad and spending the night on Mackinac Island.

All the memories, whether they seem distant or like they happened yesterday are very precious to me! Lord, let me keep them forever!

TAGGED
I was recently tagged on a friend’s blog to reveal eight random facts about myself. (Thanks Marsha). As I am a pretty “random” kind of person this shouldn’t be too difficult. The difficulty is that then I am supposed to tag eight more individuals to reveal some facts about themselves on their blog. The problem is that I don’t have eight other people to send this on to, sorry! If any readers would like to send me their responses, that would be cool.
So here they are in no particular order:
RANDOM FACT # 1 - I played both football and basketball in high school and have to say I’m a football guy. My favorite sport to watch is NFL football. I’m a die hard Lions fan and seriously get depressed thinking about all the beautiful fall days I’ve spent in my life watching the Lions play like crap.
RANDOM FACT # 2 - I have lived in my current house for over 27 years. Carol and I bought this house and moved into it in 1980. It is the only home our children have ever known.
RANDOM FACT # 3 - I have worked in the building materials industry for thirty years, since graduating from college in 1977. In that time I have worked for only two companies.
RANDOM FACT # 4 - I am very much into the television series “LOST”. I can’t wait for the new season to begin.
RANDOM FACT # 5 - I was into contemporary Christian music way back at its inception. People like Larry Norman, Barry McGuire, Keith Green, etc, were on my favorite “8 tracks”.
RANDOM FACT # 6 - There were 18 kids in my high school graduating class.
RANDOM FACT # 7 - In high school I was 6’6” tall, as of my physical yesterday, I am now just under 6’5” tall.
RANDOM FACT # 8 - I stink at Guitar Hero, unlike my kids who are amazing at it.

- Yeah

PUZZLES
Remember the well known saying from the Forest Gump movie “Life is like a box of chocolates...”? Lately I’ve been thinking that life is like a box of jigsaw pieces. God has put all the parts and pieces that make up our life into “box” and says “this is the life I’m giving you”. It seems like then it is up to us to put it together and make something useful and even beautiful of what He has given us. In the box is our genetic make up, the legacy handed down from past generations, the people God puts in our lives, our schooling, our jobs, and circumstance, everything about us goes in the box. I believe the instructions for putting our life together are included, if we pay attention. We have guidelines and we have a picture to follow, but we can only see the picture through a clouded glass, which makes it tough. We try, we do the best we can, but sometimes, it seems, the parts don’t fit together all that well. Sometimes, it seems, we place some of the pieces in the wrongs positions and that makes our picture seem less “perfect”.
But what about when some of the pieces have been taken away or lost. No one likes a puzzle that has pieces missing. After all the work of getting everything right only to find a key piece is lost is frustrating and takes some of the fun away from the entire effort. When we lose a loved one, we’ve lost a major piece of our life’s puzzle. The picture we are working so hard to make into something special is now impossible to complete. It seems the only thing we can do is to try to make the picture turn out as best we can with the pieces that are left. We can make something, some sort of picture, but it is not the one we’ve been working so hard to get just right.
So here’s the question. Is it possible to take another puzzle, someone else’s box of pieces, someone who has also lost major pieces of their puzzle, and combine it with yours and construct a complete, new, picture? If there are two different boxes, two different pictures, which were in various stages of completion, can those pieces now make one picture? Can something beautiful be salvaged from two boxes with missing pieces by combining them? Can the new picture be anything like the originals were going to be. If any one were to ask me, my answer would be absolutely. It is possible, not because we are so skilled at putting puzzles together ourselves, but because the giver of the puzzle, the creator of the pieces, can do miracles! At certain times in our lives we see them happen. We are able see through the clouded glass a little more perceptively at times; at other times our Creator recreates our picture, miracles. We are able to see a new set of possibilities for the new picture utilizing the pieces of the new puzzle that is now mixed in with our original. With effort and our Creator’s guiding hand we are able to work at the new puzzle. We are able to see where the new pieces fit in with the existing ones. One of the special arrangements the Creator has with us is that we can ask if we are doing it right. We can ask for help throughout the endeavor. He will guide our puzzle solving efforts. Something new and beautiful can be completed.
I know this is true because I see it happening in my life!

WHAT NOW??

“The fact that someone this incredibly EXTRA-ordinary married me is, without question, my greatest source of pride. To have someone of such caliber, of such magnitude, say “I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you” goes beyond mere words. It’s a mitzvah, a blessing.” YWBB

The above quote was part of a post on the Young Widowed Bulletin Board that I frequently check in on. I thought it was so “right on” that I had to hang on to it and read it over and over. In these last 14 months or so I have come to realize what a blessing it was to have shared my life with Carol. To have received the gift of love that we shared was truly amazing. To have that gift removed when there was so much left for us to enjoy was the worst possible outcome I could have imagined. The kids and I were put in a role of being “those other people” who had to go through what we did.
What do you do? What choice do you have? We leaned on our church family, we leaned on relatives, we leaned on our friends, co-workers, and anyone who offered a hand (and still do). Most of all we leaned on God. My faith has remained strong. Even while questioning what He was thinking, how could this happen to the best person I knew and her loved ones, I knew we were held in God’s hands. I knew Carol was loved and we were/are loved by the very creator God that loved us into existence. I found out that this horrible thing happens to more couples than I ever imagined. I knew that I had a “journey” ahead of me and that if I was going to experience any sort of healing, it would require work. I couldn’t expect God to just make me whole again. It would require active participation on my part.
I am thankful for the books that I’ve read, that some of the people who’ve experienced this sort of loss themselves have written about their experiences and thus helped others of us. I am thankful for Widowed Person Services in this area who kept sending me invitations to their meetings even when I was not brave enough to go to the meetings. Those monthly invitations also convinced me that I needed something like that to go to, to fellowship with other widows who, now, I had this one thing in common with. Our area is extremely blessed to have a young widowed group facilitated by Susan Zonnebelt-Smeenge and Bob DeVries, themselves widowed early in their marriages and authors of several books on surviving the death of a spouse. The meetings, the talks, the wisdom of those who have “been there” have been a tremendous help to me. Even writing in my journal and on these blog pages have helped me “work out” many of my feelings. I am thankful that God has never let me go. He has held on tightly.
What now? Now the question is where I am now in this journey and how do I proceed? One of the books I’ve read has a section explaining the difference between resignation and acceptance. “Resignation is surrender to fate, Acceptance is surrender to God . . . “ I really believe I have reached a level of acceptance, of healing, such that I can be excited about the future. I still look back from time to time, and I think I always will, but I am interested in seeing what God has in store for me in the future. I feel that I have a lot of life to live yet while on this earth and I wish for happiness. One of the questions that I was thinking about a few months ago was, knowing that Carol would wish me to be happy, what would make me happy? The obvious answer is to have Carol back, but that is just not likely to happen so, other that, what will make me happy. The answer is nothing will make me happy. I have to pursue happiness; I have to choose to find happiness in other things, in other people God brings into my life. I pray that I am ready for that. I pray that I am ready to love and be loved again. I thank God for the people He continues to bring into my life. I am thankful that my winter is turning into spring before my very eyes.
Another of the books I have read is a book of poems. The title is March Before Spring. The very last poem in the book is titled Passage.

Passage

Suppose I moved your photo
from the bedroom into the hall—
would your eyes still be patient as I

hurried past you to answer the phone,
start the washer, rush out the door?

Suppose I wore my wedding ring
on my right hand? Would the nakedness
shame me, make me too available?

Suppose I liked the sound of his voice,
the way he kissed my shoulder?

Suppose I were walking on a bridge
that began to sway too much and I ran
to the other side instead of heading back.

-Stephanie Mendel
from
March Before Spring


The image of a swinging bridge over a deep canyon swaying in the winds is very fitting to where I have been. Suppose I run to the other side instead of heading back . . . . I remain in God’s hands.



"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning" (Psalm 30:5 NKJV).