6 MONTHS
It has been just over six months since the day Carol died. At times it seems like it has been so much longer than that and more often it seems like it was just yesterday and I haven't been able to "progress" much at all. For instance, yesterday I went to a visitation at a funeral home to offer condolences to friends of ours whose father had died and I could not complete the visit without losing it. That was another "first", the first time I had gone to a visitation with out Carol at my side. There have been so many "firsts" in the last six months that it seems I should be able to get through them now with out getting so emotional.
They say that the closer you were to the person you lost the harder it is to get over. That seems like an obvious observation, but it is so true. I was very close to Carol and to lose her continues to be devastating to me. I believe anybody who knew her, knew her smile, knew her gentle spirit, knew her servant heart, can understand the size of the hole left in the hearts of her loved ones. I do believe I have "progressed" a bit. I (usually) can control to what extent I feel pain. I can (and some times do) allow myself to wallow in the pain of loss, butI can choose to not go there also. When I look at a picture of her, or us, my first reaction now is almost like "who is that person?", "who was she?", "I seem to remember her". If I allow myself to really remember her, remember the intamacy, the love, the smiles, the flirting, the companionship, etc., etc., etc., I can easily fall apart still. I have to try to dwell on now and not then, but at the same time, I don't want to forget one minute of the love we had.
To "get to the other side of grief" (the name of a book I am reading) takes work. It requires actively doing things that will help. I am trying to do these things. It also takes God's presence and I know he has never left me.
I don't know how often I will be posting here but it is my intent to keep some memory of Carol alive here and share some of my thoughts. Some of the things I will post here are things I've written previously that are snapshots of certain feelings that I have gone through.