HOLIDAYS PART I

Well it's Friday evening, the Friday after Thanksgiving. I/we survived the first of the "big three". The kids seem to be doing real well. I, on the other hand, well the jury's still out. All four of us were involved in the Thanksgiving Day service at church. The kids were playing instruments and singing and I was running the sound board. That means we had a Wednesday night rehearsal. Usually after the rehearsal the group goes out for coffee. I was asked to go along but declined because I just wanted a chance to be home and alone and do some "intentional" grieving. I did. Thursday morning got off to an early start with a run through at 8:30 AM. At the run through and then after the service many people came up to me and told me they knew it would be a hard day and that they would be praying for me. That always brings a few tears but that's ok. We went to Tim and Maxine's home for the traditional dinner. They have been by my side so faithfully for the whole time and I appreciate it so much. We had a great meal and a great time. The day really went very well.
Today I had to work. There is a friend at work who lost his wife in a car accident not quite two years ago. We talked about being alone at the holidays and I mentioned that maybe Christmas would be easier knowing that I made it through Thanksgiving alright. He said really for him it wasn't, Christmas was worse. I think he might be right. The kids were home today and started the decorating. They set up the tree and many of the other trimmings that Carol would always put out. Just seeing them is hitting me. I see the tree ornaments Carol hand made. I see the stockings that she made for each of us. I see the new wreath we bought after last Christmas to use this Christmas. Maybe the one that got me most was the new little nativity set the she so intentionally shopped for and bought when we were in Mexico in 2005. All these things are stabbing me in the heart and I know there will be more. I am going to my company Christmas party alone after having Carol at my side for 28 Christmas parties. I am really dreading New Year's Eve when all our friends are there with the spouses. I haven't figured that one out yet. Maybe it will be best if I just stay home that night.
Things are simply not the same and I have to get used to that