Sunday, January 28, 2007

Missing Her Today (Friday 26th)

I am missing Carol. This is always an understatement, but that feeling is especially severe today. There have been events this week that I just wish she was here to share.
I miss her being there for me. I miss the kind words that assure me that things are going to work out ok. I miss the hugs that say “I will always be here by your side”. I miss knowing that we went through things together and not each alone. I miss her encouragement and assurance. I miss her as much as ever today. I guess I’ve just been hit by another one of those waves.

Monday, January 22, 2007

The following post is a list I wrote down at about 6 months out. I was trying to look for some possitives and made this list of "Things I've Learned"- nothing to profound.

"I can't speak for the rest of you, but I feel like a different person. I'm not afraid of death or injury anymore.I'm not afraid of failing or looking stupid. I don't take my career goals, money or my possessions as seriously, and I don't take the people I love for granted." - Tamsen

"Survived by" means I have to work at surviving
A king sized bed is really big for one person
A lot of other people miss her too
Distractions and busyness are a good thing
Doctors are often clueless
Dust happens
Good friends really do care how you are doing
I don’t fit very well in a PT Cruiser
I need to accept help
I still cry on Mom’s shoulder when it hurts
I would rather be married than single
I’m glad the kids are home yet
I’m not accustomed to making big decisions by myself
I’m not as young as I thought I was
I’m not so great at ironing shirts
I'm wearing more mismatched socks than ever before
It is possible to keep your marriage vows
Life (or at least time) goes on
Life is precious
Life is shorter than we realize
Meal preparation is not one of my strengths
My ability to tolerate frustration is greatly reduced
My comfort zone was blown apart
My kids still need me
My wedding ring will have to come off some day
Never take life or tomorrow for granted
One can survive the big firsts alone, but it's tough
Our church is amazingly supportive
Single parenting is more difficult
Tears have lessened maybe, but haven't stopped
The bills keep coming
The electric blanket needs to be turned higher when you’re the only one in bed
There are lots of things around the house I don’t know what to do with
There are more “young widows” than one would think
There was only one Carol and she was the best
We can still enjoy times of laughter and levity

It wouls be great if you would share things that you've learned as a result of a loved one passing away.

Monday, January 15, 2007

My last post was written on what would have been Carol's birthday. Birthdays are generally associated with gifts. Below is a "poem" I wrote at about 4 1/2 months out about a gift that was given to me by God or Carol(or maybe both) about 10 days after she died.

“You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday”

A Gift
(9-2006 4 ½ months)

Ten days have past
Since we last talked
I told her she was getting better
Her heart was getting stronger
I guess I lied, but that’s what I was told

Ten days now lost and alone
Wondering what I will do without her
Wondering what our kids will do without her
How do we go on
So many “never agains”

Some call them ADCs
After Death Communications
We long to hear a word
From our loved one
The void is so enormous

Ten nights have past
Without dreams of her
Then, one night I have a dream
An ADC? maybe,
Merely my sub-conscious? maybe

She came to me, In our home
She told me she was fine
She missed us, that we would be OK
We hugged, a long, last hug
And she said good bye

There have been other dreams since
Some I remember and cherish
Many I have forgotten
That first one, I believe,
Was God’s Gift.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Happy Birthday Sweetheart

Today is Carol’s birthday. She would have been 51. For those of us who loved her, this will also be a difficult day. I was blessed to be able to share 29 of her birthdays with her. There should have been so many more. This is another one of the days that our loss hits really hard. This will also be a very hard day for Mom and Dad H. as they have shared 50 of these special days with Carol. Please say a prayer for them.

Happy Birthday Sweetheart! We all miss you!!
Your Hubby

Tuesday, January 02, 2007


The holidays that were looming on the horizon have come and gone. Those points in the future that you look forward to, or hope will never come, inevitably arrive. I will remember this holiday season with mixed feelings. My children and I received so many kind words and well wishes from friends and family that I can’t help but be thankful to be so loved, but the huge hole on our hearts was often exposed. I guess it’s natural for the holidays, when the world around you is partying, to expose the grief that has settled in your bones. One of the things I’ve learned is that some of the same feelings that hit so hard at the beginning, some of the original shock, comes roaring back when you want to be happy. Shopping for gifts, exchanging gifts, while enjoyable, all seemed a little empty this year. There were times when I simply could not hold back the tears. At those times it is good to know that it is OK not to hold them back and is really best to let them flow. Another thing I’ve learned is that I am so thankful that my kids were with me the whole season. They have been so good to me and we have grown even closer through our loss.

The time I was dreading the most was New Year’s Eve. I did not want to leave the kids without plans for the night and didn’t really know what I wanted to do. As it turned out the kids all had plans to do things with friends and I was asked to join the group of couples that Carol and I had been spending New Year’s Eve with for the last several years. I went alone (obviously) but it was good. I had a good time and every one was gracious. I chose to leave early and be home alone “when the ball dropped”. The experts say it is healthy to reserve time for “preserving memories” and grieving. That’s what I chose to do at midnight. I also had a little ceremony involving God, me and my memory of Carol, in which I removed my wedding ring. That was as difficult as anything else the Holidays threw at me but I thought it was an appropriate time. I still wear it, and hers, only not on my third finger of my left hand.

It is now January second. 2006 is over. Good riddance. I wish we could go back one year and have a “do over”. But I know the events that caused pain in 2006 were out of our control and I certainly would not want those loved ones (or their “survivors”) to have to go trough what they did again. I am currently reading a novel by James Michener in which there are just three (very long) chapters. The chapter titles are “Arrivals”, “Explorations”, and “Departures”, his metaphor for life. For some reason God allowed 2006 to be the year of “Departures” for some people I most dearly loved.

When I think 2007, with all the wishes for a “Happy New Year” still so fresh, I wonder how the happy part will happen. I trust there will be joys and I fear there will be more sorrows. My perspective is that life is lived at different levels or planes. We all desire to achieve a higher level of happiness and many do. After 28+ years together, I feel Carol and I had attained, with God’s grace, a level of happiness that was a higher plane than earlier in our lives, higher, certainly than before we had met each other. Now I’ve been knocked down to ground level. Instead of being near the top I exist at the bottom plane. Instead of being in the penthouse suite I occupy the furnace room. (At the same time I take comfort in knowing that Carol has “won the game” and she exists in the most joyful of all levels.) I know I have a climb ahead of me to get any where near the level we were when together. I really do not expect to ever get there in this life. What I am learning is that what ever level or plane on which I currently exist, to seek joy, to make someone’s life better, to trust God, to accept love, these things bring joy. As my heart heals, I pray that God will allow me to gradually attain more happiness and share that with others.
That is my prayer for you as well in the New Year.